A Lockdown Love Story...With Myself
I started back at uni last week, and let me tell just tell you how she put system in cariogenic shock. So, if you see me dropping out this semester and pursuing a career as one of those really important, 'key-working' influencers, just mind your business. It's whatever. We move. One thing I do love about uni, is that it kind of occupies all my time, and so I have 0 (zero) time to seclude my being inside my own mind, and fall into a pit of despair. To put it across lightly. Okay side note. I mean, I still do it, I just have less time to do it. That being said, in the past few months, being locked inside and having time to think hasn't been all that bad for me. Over the Christmas break, I thought about absolutely anything and everything that would stress me out. Just for the crack, yknow. I asked the really big questions. Where's your life going, Tyra? Who are the people you feel most at home around? What are the things in life that bring you the most enjoyment, and why aren't you doing more of it, scrub? I guess those are kind of the questions that are at the heart of this post. In a way, me tossing and turning in my bed at night, quizzing myself on these three questions, is what motivated me to share what was really an awakening feeling. An eye-opening experience, if you will. I'm not anyone yo dish out life advice, that isn't what I'm trying to do here. Like I am literally one of the least put together people in the world. But if by me sharing this, someone way out there in the depths of the internet can take something positive away from this, then it's a win in my book.
So. The big one. Where do you see your life going? I remember sitting in the car as a kid, my Mum's Whitney Houston greatest hits CD playing. She sung this song. Some may know it, others may not. It's called the Greatest Love of All. Kind of anthem, however, not the point. She sings about never letting yourself walk in anyone's shadow. It's funny how you subconsciously let tiny things like that have an influence in the way you live your life. Because of my Mum's obsession with Whitney Houston, I toddle along through life desperately trying to control every aspect of it, because I am so desperate to be my own being. And because of that, I don't think I can ever truly feel settled which causes me to feel kind of anxious, which then causes me to constantly second guess myself because it feels like I get absolutely nothing right in life. It's a toxic cycle I can't seem to break. Whether it be something as insignificant as nailing down what it is I actually want to have for dinner or something as serious as deciding which uni I want to go, and spend the next four years of my life. Leave it to me to fuck up the decision. Or so I let myself believe for a little while anyways. I don't need anyone to say or make me feel as if I've majorly messed up to some degree, cause sis guaranteed I'll be giving myself more of a hard time than you ever could. Constantly being in doubt of yourself, and recalculating your every decision all the time can be so, so draining. And so, when it comes to thinking about something as big as what direction I want my life to go in, it sends my brain into an informational overload. Like I simple just shut down and shrivel back into my shell. I can't handle the heat. Overanalysing and re-evaluating hasn't really done a lot for me in the past few years. In fact, all it's done is put me in a really damaging headspace where I'm comparing my individual journey to everyone else's. I never really paid any attention to the crucial facts, like what works for someone else might not work for you, and failed to acknowledge that there are just some things that are completely out of our control. I'm trying to adopt a more 'go with the flow, totally gnarly' approach to life. It's kind of hard not to care, right? I feel like it goes against human instinct. We all have some sort of emotions, and we're all influential beings to some extent, even if its subconsciously. So, of course we're gonna care. I think it's about finding a healthy balance, and so that's what I've been trying to do these last couple of months in lockdown. I've established that I need to start travelling through life with a clearer mindset, and allowing myself to believe what will be, will be.
When I look at where I was this time last year, and where I am now, I can't deny my progress. That other bitchass would've never been so vocal and opinionated. She was kind of selfish. She didn't know what it meant to prioritise the people who return the same energy to you. I think she took things for granted. I know for a fact she never would've had the nerve to start something like this. Don't think she was all that happy, you know. Hid behind the illusion social media can create. No one can change overnight, it's just not reasonable thinking. So, I started silently working on myself, and celebrating the small wins along the way. And it took a change of unis, repairing and reinvesting in connections with people, learning to be passionate about the things I wanted to stand for and a wholeass pandemic for me to get here. But, I kinda like this girl now. And you know what, a lot of people won't. But I've learnt to say fuck your opinion, I'm doing my best and MEAN IT. Like girl, you are so much more than what anyone has to say about you. You're trying your very hardest, and that's all anyone could ever ask of you. Stop stressing about what comes next, and unfriend, unfollow and remove as you see necessary. Do what's best for you, and don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation to your actions. You don't. As for that dreaded question. Where do I see my life going? Sis, we don't have to know. We're still young. Our names aren't Raven, we don't have visions into the future. It'll work itself out. Trust the process. Make mistakes. I mean, we learn from them, so let's be less scared to make them. Wherever you feel like you need to be, that's where the universe will take you. There's no right or wrong way to live. I mean, unless you're a serial killer, then I'm sorry but I can't help you. This blog isn't for you. But presuming you're not. You got this down.
I'm lucky I guess. I'm lucky in the sense I have a group of people in my life who have not only put up with me and my indecisiveness, but I feel like they've grown with me. Not in a physical sense, I'm still taller than them aha. Our mindsets and personalities have grown together. I feel like I've outgrown a version of myself, and with that outgrown a lot of people. But I still have the ones who I can have a serious conversation with about the injustices in the world, and then an hour later we're laughing because one of us drunkenly did something dumb like buy a Whitney Houston poster at 2AM, and while they love her, they can't justify paying £14 for a stock image of her. I've found that moving away from the relationships in my life that kind of just weren't hitting anymore, has allowed for me to invest more time in the ones that uplift my spirit. I really think we need to normalise the idea of when you grow you outgrow some people too. You shouldn't feel bad about it. I especially feel like, in these lockdown times, everyone feels anxious and on edge. You may not even feel like you have the ability to hold down a conversation. Don't you dare let anyone make you feel guilty about that. Take as much time as you need to feel yourself again. Do whatever needs to be done to achieve your inner peace. Don't let anyone rush the process, or make you feel shit about it. Always remember that no matter what, you are the moment <3
I guess I just wanted to say that you should do whatever the fuck you want. Your life isn't about anyone else. Focus on you. It's your world, and others only exist in it if you want them too.
Oh my god, wait, who's Whitney poster is that?